A couple of corrections. I would never hit anyone over the head with a mallet. I have always lived by Abe Lincoln's words "With mallets towards none, and charity from y'all. I would use a fly swatter, or a cream-filled cast iron skillet.
At the height of my madness I would think of seamoose, but since I don't have his number on my cell phone I would call someone else. Probably a certain crisis line in Livermore. [evil grin].
That shoe sounds like good eatin', and would definitely set well in last night's marinade, made with particular brand of Cabernet Sauvignon Trader Joe's was selling for $1.99 a bottle.