Mister Eclectic (howeird) wrote,
Mister Eclectic

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Attention Deficit Theater

While waiting for my coffee date last night, I plunked out the first half of the scene I was writing for tonight's scene reading group, and finished it up at home. Turned out to be three very short scenes, so I have dubbed it my ADA sitcom.

Scene I

Modern day, early evening, bare stage – this could be a lobby in an apartment or office, or out on the street.

ADAM: Your girlfriend sure is a bitch

BILL: Well, your momma is a whore

ADAM: You wanna step outside, buddy?

BILL: Why? Is your momma out there?

(ADAM & BILL start to scuffle. CLAIRE & DESIRÉ enter)

CLAIRE: Hello boys!

ADAM: Hi mom.

DESIRÉ crosses to BILL, they kiss passionately

ADAM: Hi sis, we were just talking about you

DESIRÉ: Nothing good, I hope

BILL: Your brother says he thinks you’re a bitch

CLAIRE: Watch your language, Bill. Nobody calls my little girl bad names

BILL: Except her brother

ADAM: And everyone else

DESIRÉ: And what did I do to deserve such praise?

BILL: You broke his heart. Twice


BILL: Yeah, twice. When you started going with me it burst his fantasies about doing either of us.

CLAIRE: (punches BILL’s shoulder) You’re evil, you know that? So where’s your father? I thought we had a date.

BILL: He’ll be here. He’s probably paying the bimbo as we speak.

CLAIRE: Bimbo? What bimbo?

BILL: Just a family joke. When Dad worked at home he kept a to-do list on a white board by the front door. We used to add “pay the bimbo” to the end of the list. He finally got tired of erasing it, so now it’s permanently the last thing on his to-do list.

ADAM: Speaking of bimbos, Desiré, where’s this blind date you promised me?

DESIRÉ: (takes out cell phone, flips it open) Checking. (pause for 5 secs) Hello, is this dial-a-bimbo? (laughs) It’s Desiré. K, CU, Bye. (snaps cell phone shut) She’ll be here in a minute, she’s parking.

BILL: With who?


CLAIRE: Did any of you see that move, Horton Hears a Whom?

ELIOT: (entering) Who

CLAIRE: Anyone. Did you see it?

ELIOT: Horton Hears a Who. No, but I read the book

CLAIRE: Funny, you don’t look that old

ELIOT: I’m so old I remember when Dr. Seuss made house calls

ADAM: Doctor who?

ELIOT: No, Adam:, “Doctor Who” is someone else. Now that would be the ultimate children’s movie: Horton Hears a Doctor Who.

CLAIRE: I don’t get it

ELIOT: After a few glasses of wine you might

CLAIRE: After a few glasses of wine, I’d better be getting a lot more than that.

ELIOT: Speaking of wine, are we ready to go?
ADAM: Not yet, Mr. Ephurst, we’re waiting for my

BILL & DESIRÉ: dial-a-bimbo

ELIOT: Aren’t you a little young to be paying for it?

ADAM: It’s just a joke. Desiré set me up with one of her friends, and she is

FIO: (out of breath) Here! Sorry I’m late, finding parking in this place is murder. Good thing I had my Smith & Wesson on the front seat, and room in the trunk. Hi uncle Eliot, what are you doing here?
CLAIRE: He’s my date.

DESIRÉ: Blame Bill. I told him Adam needed a date and he said “how about 1492?” After I died laughing he said, “How about my cousin Fiona?”

ADAM: Fine with me, as long as she leaves the gun in the car.

FIO: I was just joking about the gun. (pause) But I may need some help with the body.

ELIOT: Well you know what they say, Fio, Friends help friends move. True friends help friends move bodies.

(general laughter)

Well, if we’re going, we’d better go.

BILL: Who’s driving?

CLAIRE: I have the SoccerMomMobile, we’ll all fit.

(all start wandering to exit, stage left)

BILL: Sounds good to me

DESIRÉ: Sure, if you love the smell of sweaty soccer uniforms

BILL: Depends on who’s taking them off

DESIRÉ: (takes a swing at BILL) Pervert.


Scene II

Front room of FIO’s family’s house. FIO has just let ADAM inside.

ADAM: I really enjoyed dinner with you the other night.

FIO: Me too.

ADAM: It felt like it was just me and you alone – even before Mom left without us

FIO: (giggles)

ADAM: Thanks for paying for the cab

FIO: It was just to get us back to my car. It was worth it.

ADAM: Next time, do me a favor?
FIO: Sure. What?
ADAM: Warn me before I sit on your gun.

FIO: Oops.

ADAM: I thought you were joking.

FIO: I was. That was a Glock, not a Smith & Wesson.

ADAM: If you say so. And those were really just sandbags in the trunk?

FIO: Yup. I keep them in there for traction.

ADAM: But you have front wheel drive.

FIO: Caught again. Okay, I confess, I won Jimmy Hoffa on eBay and Mom won’t let me keep him in the house.

ADAM: Whatever. So, do you have any plans for tomorrow night?
FIO: I was planning to floss the cat, unless something better came up. Why?

ADAM: I was hoping we could have dinner, see a movie and then go back to my place and rip each other’s clothes off. What do you say?

FIO: Yes, yes, and what about your mom and The Bitch?

ADAM: Mom will be in Tahoe with your uncle, and sis will be, ahem, (makes quotes gesture) “helping your cousin house sit”.

FIO: Can I let you know later?

ADAM: Sure, no problem. Just buzz my cell phone.
FIO: (crosses away from ADAM a few steps, takes out cell phone, punches a few buttons. ADAM’s phone rings)

ADAM: Hello?

FIO: Hi. Consider yourself buzzed.

ADAM: (looks up, sees FIO wave, waves back, talks into phone) Seven o’clock?

FIO: (into phone) Okay. See you. Bye. (puts away cell phone, blows ADAM a kiss, exits)

ADAM: Yes! (punches air with fist) Yes! (does a little jump for joy, exits)

Scene III

Hotel room in Tahoe. CLAIRE is in the bed, under the covers. ELIOT is offstage

CLAIRE: I’d say that one was about a 6-point-seven. The first one last night was probably a nine-something. I’m surprised the windows didn’t shatter.

ELIOT: I’m surprised the bed didn’t break. (enters, wearing pajama bottoms, a towel over his shoulder)

CLAIRE: So Mister Ephurst, did the earth move for you, too?

ELIOT: I plead the fifth

CLAIRE: Too late, we finished the fifth hours ago. What was really in that bottle, anyway? I’ve never heard of colorless Kahlúa before.

ELIOT: That was just some ethanol from the lab. One hundred and ninety proof, give or take. Have to keep it in dark bottles – it tends to explode when exposed to sunlight.

CLAIRE: And you tend to explode when exposed to

ELIOT: (crosses to CLAIRE) Your eyes, your lips, your hair

CLAIRE: (derisively) My ass!

ELIOT: That too. (snaps towel at her posterior) And now, my dear, it is time to get that pretty little ass out of bed. Check out is in 20 minutes.

CLAIRE: (signs) I could stay here all day

ELIOT: So could I, but that would cost extra.

CLAIRE: (affectionately) Pimp

ELIOT: (lovingly) Whore

(they kiss. Blackout)

Copyright ©2008 Howard Stateman, all rights (and lefts) reserved.

Tags: theater

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